“Judgment Time” by Akril A Short Space Quest Fan-Fic based on WSSQUID and WSSQID Contd. (A scene very similar to the start of SQ6 appears, namely, one that is completely black. A lone spotlight snaps on.) Judge Rhys (pronounced “Rees”): The accused may step forward now. (nothing happens.) I said the accused may step forward now. (nothing happens.) All right!! Xandra whatever-your-last-name-is, step forward. (A low growling is heard from the background, followed by a scuffling, a loud hissing, and a concerned murmur through the assembled group of people that is invisible in the darkness. A young cadet runs through the light, followed by another, who is almost hit by a small catalogue flying through the air after him. Shortly after this, a sound of claws on plastic is heard, and Xandra stomps forward, extremely bristled and angry, eyes narrowed, claws out. A walkman is stuffed in her pocket, the headphones draped around her neck. She steps on the catalogue, then suddenly jumps back, snatches it up, straightens it out, checks to see if it has been damaged and stuffs it into her shorts.) Judge Rhys: Xandra of Earth... Unnamed audience member: Your honor? Judge Rhys: What? Unnamed audience member: Is the accused wearing a shirt? Judge Rhys (over a sudden alarmed chorus of voices): Why on Xenon do you ask that?? Unnamed audience member: Well, I was reading the description, and it was clear that she was wearing shorts, but not a shirt, and I was just wondering... Judge Rhys: Just because something isn’t mentioned doesn’t mean it isn’t present. Xandra: Like his cerebrums. Judge Rhys: Order! Any more comments like that from you, and you will be excused from this room. Xandra: Off with his heads. Another unnamed audience member: Hey! How can she tell that he has more than one? I can’t see anything! Xandra: I have an overabundance of light-sensitive cells in my retinas, and a lack of tolerance for standing still for long periods of time. Anyone out there have a spare seat I could borrow? (The level of mutterings in the audience has grown to a high level at this point. Rhys stabs a button and a siren goes off, echoing across the chamber.) Judge Rhys: Order! Let’s try to maintain some kind of stability in this room. All members are to pay attention, and that includes you, Miss Xandra. (Just as Xandra is starting to soak this in, a large bucket flies through the air and lands almost on her foot, for she steps aside just in time.) Xandra (turning the bucket upside down and sitting on it): Thanks, Roger. Roger (from audience): Me? I didn’t throw that! Xandra: No, but I saw you pass it to Stellar, and she threw it. (points to his right.) Tamara (unofficial name for the woman in the green uniform in Sickbay in the SQ6 intro, on Roger’s left): Yeah, she’s got a better arm than he does. Beatrice (on Roger’s left, closest to him): I can throw pretty good myself... Judge Rhys: Order, order, order! I’d like to at least get this hearing started, please. Xandra: Could someone please turn up the lights? My eyes aren’t that good. (The lights come partially on, but Xandra is still standing in a visible spotlight.) Xandra: Thanks. Judge, I’d probably be more willing to cooperate if your last case had to do with convicting Admiral Toolman of judging my hero under Drifting Hemispherical Idiosis Roger: I appreciate the gesture, Xandra, but I think you should stop talking. The floor is Rhys’s now. Xandra: The floor is what? Roger: Rhys’s. Xandra: They’re passing out Reeses? Mmm, I didn’t think they got delivered out here. Pass me some when you’re through, would you? Tamara: Xandra, just shut up! We might never get out of here at this rate. Xandra (sighing): Okay...(to Rhys) carry on, Jeeves. Beatrice (to Tamara): You do realize that if you were a man, you would be lying in several fragments on the floor right about now. Roger: Bea! She’s not that bad... Beatrice (sarcastically): She’s not? Roger: Well...she’s not that good, either. Judge Rhys: Order, please, order! (The audience and Xandra falls silent.) Xandra, you have been accused of several offenses on board the SCS Deepship 86. Xandra (almost inaudibly): Let’s hear ‘em... Judge Rhys: You have been distracting Janitor Roger Wilco from his assigned tasks... Xandra (almost inaudibly): That’s Janitor Second Class, and he’s gonna be back in the high life again any time now, if we can just get out of this darned time loop... Judge Rhys: Bringing foreign elements onto the craft by unknown means... Xandra (almost inaudibly): The mind gets no appreciation as a tool nowadays. Judge Rhys: And spreading irrelevance. Xandra (almost inaudibly): These accusations are getting screwier every day... Judge Rhys: Do you have anything to say, Xandra? Xandra (normal voice): I’ve been saying things while you were exercising your auditory emissions. But since you weren’t listening... Stellar (sarcastically): Beware of cats bearing sass. (Xandra looks Stellar’s way and barks (a normal noise for a cheetah to make). This startles her so much that she lets Xandra continue.) Xandra: I really don’t see what’s wrong with being interested in things other than cleaning windows and vacuuming floors. There’s more to life than just that. Roger: Why do I have a sudden impulse to bang my head against a wall? Beatrice: Relax, Roger. Judge Rhys: To continue, Xandra: you have frequently been labeled as the most devoted Space Quest fan to strut the terra firma, but recent data has proven that you are just as far from this description as can be. Tamara: What do you mean? Judge Rhys: I thought I made myself clear. Xandra is, in actuality, one of the least devoted SQ fans in the galaxy. (Frightened gasps echo around the room. Xandra looks irritated.) Xandra: Is that so? Judge Rhys: Yes. Do you remember when the first installation came out? Xandra (swinging the coiled end of her headphone cord around): Give me a break, I was three years old by your standards! Judge Rhys: Have you ever completed a game without a UHS file? Xandra (timidly): Well, we can’t all be geniuses, can we? Judge Rhys: Have you ever masqueraded as one of your “idols?” Xandra: Hey, a die-hard fan does not equal some Zoobie wearing a pig snout. Beatrice: Some what?? Xandra: Rog didn’t tell you about them? Whoo, you need to catch up. Judge Rhys: And there is another mark of your wavering appreciation. Your addiction to this...other sci-fi series is throwing this entire federation into jeopardy. Xandra (mocking): Sez you. Judge Rhys: You have been spreading this mindless material in... Xandra (suddenly furious, standing up and wringing her headphone cord): MINDLESS? How mindless is answering the question of how many dimensions there are? Or a one-sentence answer to the meaning of life that isn’t a number? Or the fact that the media has been infiltrated by a god of good and evil on a certain planet and there is no point in fighting it, because he is necessary for life itself?!? (inhales deeply and almost collapses, quivering) Judge Rhys: Xandra... Xandra (yelling): And Meatball Fulton thinks J. K. Rowling’s work is pure genius as well! (snapping out of it and whipping a cassette tape out of a pocket in her shorts) See this? This is a copy of Dishpan Fantasy: A Real Soap Opera, starring Ida Faella and John McDonough, completely sung and chronicling a story about an average couple journeying to a land where women are goddesses and men are mischievous satyrs, it sounds harmless, but it is not, it’s the only ZBS production that I truly dislike. One more sour remark about my inner light, and I flick this on at full volume, and replay it for anyone who doesn’t either run from the room or faint! (Silence. Many people start whispering nervously, and Rhys is particularly befuddled.) Judge Rhys: I won’t say anything more if it makes you this agitated, Xandra. Xandra (shoving her tape back into her shorts and sitting down): Good. Just keep on spewing the rest of the accusations. Judge Rhys: Let me see...your physical shape...has caused several...problems among the crewmembers. Xandra: Can I help it if I happened to wind up with the svelteness of a cheetah and the figure of a human? Unnamed audience member: He’s right, you know. I’ve seen a lot of extreme consternation in the face of that poor young fellow over there. (points to Xandra’s left) Xandra (looking at a seemingly comatose audience member): You mean that cute guy with the tentacles? What’s his problem? Unnamed audience member: Well, your...you know, figure...it’s caused him a lot of stress, which isn’t good in his species. Xandra: Er...he doesn’t seem to have any eyes. Unnamed audience member: I know, that’s true...but he’s been getting an idea of what you “look” like by other means... Xandra (confused): What do you mean? (looks at the tentacles guy again.) He isn’t... Unnamed audience member: You, uh...you haven’t been feeling any slimy spots on your midriff, have you, Xandra? Or burning sensations? Xandra (frantically parting the fur over one side of her chest and examining her skin almost falling off her stool): EEEEEEAAAAUUUGH!! Unnamed audience member: (laughing hysterically) Xandra: WHAT?!? Unnamed audience member: Just a joke, you crazy Earthie! I thought someone like you would – (he is interrupted by the Judge’s siren. Everyone falls silent, except for Xandra’s muted growling.) Judge Rhys: It has also been hypothesized that you bear a striking resemblance in physical shape as a much-hated female in a so-called “adventure game” series that is responsible for the decline of true adventures. Xandra: What? Roger: I think he means Lara, Xandra. Xandra (standing up and suddenly bristling): Laura? You don’t mean Laura Estermann?? That’s it, on comes Dishpan Fantasy... Judge Rhys: No, no, no, you know who I mean. Xandra: Who? Judge Rhys: The protagonist of the “Tomb Raider” series. Unnamed audience member: Yeah. Lara Croft, that tight-chested bi – Xandra (whirling around on her bucket and pointing at the audience member): DON’T SAY IT! There are probably kids in the audience, and I don’t need you corrupting their minds! Unnamed audience member: – inge eater. Xandra: Thank you. Another audience member: Hey, Xandra, could you please turn your head this way for a minute? (Xandra and Rhys look around and see a little humanoid girl with a rather polychromatic head of hair sketching on a drawing pad.) Judge Rhys: Excuse me, aren’t you that Lima (Lee-mah) girl? What are you doing here? Chata (the girl’s first name): My mom’s late. She let me come before her. Judge Rhys: And what, may I ask, are you doing? Chata (setting down her drawing pad): I’m just trying to draw what I think a one-fourth cat, three-quarters human person would look like. (This produces a mix of uncontrollable laughter, gasps of horror, and speechlessness. Rhys tries to find a way of restoring order while Bea, Stellar and Tamara look at Roger, who looks like he is going to be violently ill.) Roger: I think I’m going to be sick. Stellar: You think you’re feeling bad, look at her! (points to Xandra.) (Xandra, upon hearing Chata’s words, bristled, tensed, and threw her arms around her torso in a protective position. Now she looks around her in terror and embarrassment. Finally, Bea speaks.) Beatrice: Chata, why the heck would such an idea occur to you? Do you have any idea... Chata (smiling innocently): I don’t mean if Roger was the father. I mean that man over there. (Chata points to a muscular, unbalanced bicep-to-brain male humanoid in the audience on Xandra’s right. It’s the same ugly stud from the original WSSQUID! She looks at him, her ears drop and now she looks sick.) Muscle Man (waving): Hello! Xandra: How did that guy get in here? Really? How did he get through the doors with all that surplus...whatever’s left, after all those steroids! Muscle Man (waving): Hello! Xandra: You know, I’m just not going to look at you, you outcast from the planet Bleep! And as for you...(turns to Chata and looks at her drawing)...Keep up the good work and you’ll be a great shaper someday. Chata: Gee, thanks. Xandra (sitting down on her bucket, turning back to Rhys and muttering): Stupid beefhead. It’s people like him that yank my dewclaws. Unnamed audience member: A prime example of a homos – Xandra (whirling around again): STOP! Remember Chata? Unnamed audience member: – apiens. Xandra: That’s better. (turns back to Rhys.) Judge Rhys: Anyway, you have not only caused considerable problems on this ship, but you are causing even more problems in your own world. Xandra: Oh yeah? Judge Rhys: Do you deny that you are having a relationship with a felinoid two years younger than you of a completely different genus? Xandra (growing angry (again)): I’m not in love with Negasi, he just happens to like me, but the feeling ain’t mutual! Tamara: Why would a guy like another creature of a different genus? A different species, maybe, but a different genus? Chata: I wonder what that would look like. Stellar: What? Chata: Would it be a “litah” or a “cheeton?” Beatrice (groaning and whispering to Roger): Who can say what goes on in that kid’s head. Judge Rhys: Order, order! And Xandra, our records show that you have a brother, correct? Xandra: Yeah, so what? Judge Rhys: He has apparently left his home to reside within an adventure as well, only he is apparently obsessed with – (a loud crash is heard from behind Xandra, who turns around to see Commander Kielbasa pushing a small PC on a rolling platform. The monitor has just slipped off.) Kielbasa (repositioning the monitor): Is this yours, Miss Xandra? Xandra: Yes, who else on this ship owns a Terran computer? I was working on it when those two zeebs jumped on me. Kielbasa: Well, I am returning it to you because you have just received a message from someone called Jack... Xandra: Jack? What the...(she stands up and runs out of the spotlight, towards the computer.) Judge Rhys: Excuse me, this court is still in session! Xandra: Court my cornea, lemme at that thing! Beatrice (hesitantly): Eh...Xandra? Xandra (wheeling the computer into the spotlight, her hands poised over the keys, slowly sitting back down): Yeah? Beatrice: Kielbasa and this Negasi...they aren’t related, are they? Xandra: Don’t make me sick. From what I’ve heard, Neg’s saved a planet, and Kielbasa hasn’t done more than... Judge Rhys: Please...don’t make this place any more chaotic than it already is. Xandra: Whatever you say. Chata: Gee...A girl with a name beginning with the least used letter in the dictionary and a guy with “Neg” as a nickname...I think they’d get along well together, you think so, Mr. Roger? Unnamed audience member: Listen, kid, we’re trying to have an adult conversation, and we’re having enough trouble without all your stupid cra – Xandra (whirling around on her bucket): One more of those from you and I come over there and make a yo-yo out of your hyoids, buddy! Unnamed audience member: – bcake. Xandra: Good. Now excuse me, folks, I need to wrap up a little problem here. (She turns and starts typing frantically on the computer. For a while, nothing happens, then suddenly, an image of the monitor’s screen appears above her head, hovering in the spotlight. An Instant Message box is visible, with the last (unsent) entry reading:) XandraZBS: I know you’re excited, Jacko, but I’m really busy now. If you could wait just a few more minu Xandra: Hey! Who hacked into my system? Another unnamed audience member (from the beginning of the story): Probably that multi-headed jerk that you just scared the scales off of... (Another message pops up. It says:) Jack17: you won’t believe this! Rosella is going to tell me what she really thinks about prince Edgar! This is going to be stuff that not even Derek Karlavaegan wrote down! Xandra: Oh boy... AUAM: Edgar? Who’s that? Xandra: Oh, just this really great guy from the King’s Quest series that...(slaps a hand against her forehead)...Oh! Chata: Mr. Roger, I think you’ve got competition! Xandra: No, no, really, I don’t love him, I just find him brave and heroic, just like Rog... Jack17: I know how much you liked playing the games, and since I’m here, I thought I’d keep you informed...Valanice really is a brave woman, you know? I wish I could have brought myself here after the seventh game, like you did. Judge Rhys: So, you have an obsession for these KQ games as well as the SQ games, Xandra? Xandra: Yes, but that’s the problem with being formed out of an eclectic mind, right? I know Jack likes the SQ games as well! Look, look, I’ll ask him...(she deletes her unsent message and types:) XandraZBS: Jack, just out of curiosity, do you like the sq games? (There is a pause. Xandra looks very nervous for a moment, and then:) Jack17: Yeah, I guess I do. Xandra (turning to audience): See? I told y – (another message pops up) Jack17: Beatrice kinda reminds me of Rosella. Xandra (above the low level of laughter in the audience): All right, so he likes KQ a little more than SQ, but he said that he likes it, right?? Jack17: What are you up to, Xandra? Xandra: Oh great, this is embarrassing...But at least I like SQ, right?? At least I don’t hate it, like some people hate...things. Unnamed audience member: Hey, I stopped talking, is there anything else I can do to make it up to you, Miss X? Xandra: Just keep your maw shut for at least ten minutes, then you’ll be forgiven. (she types on the keyboard.) XandraZBS: I’m really, really busy, and I need to go. Good-bye, Jacko. (She closes the program before Jack can respond The projected screen also disappears.) Tamara: His real name is “Jacko”? Xandra: Only between us. Don’t call him that in public. He’s “too mature” for that now. Chata: I’ll bet it’s only a few more years before you start calling yourself Alexandra. Xandra: I hope not. Chata: Is it true that you were named after a character in that other game series? Xandra: Yes, but... Judge Rhys: I’m beginning to think more and more that you aren’t really that interested in Space Quest at all, Xandra. Xandra: My Shaper made me what I am, and she can change me if either of us want, and if you have any problems with that, tough! (gives him the raspberry.) Tamara: Your honor, I’m getting the drift that you’re not going to wear her down at all, no matter how long this “trial” goes on. Xandra: Thanks for reminding him. Beatrice: Anyway, even if you do convict her, what will be her punishment? If we chose to return her to Earth, well, none of our shuttles make journeys as far out as her planet, and if we drop her off somewhere to find her own way back, she might get lost or not survive. Stellar: And there’s no real place out here that she could survive anyway. Tamara: And what has she done besides give us a bit of a challenge anyway? Take up a bit of extra space in Roger’s quarters, spread some fascinating culture from another galaxy, give a few of us a good laugh... Judge Rhys: Still, she should be dealt with in some manner, and I propose... (He stops. Throughout their conversation, Xandra has been humming “Lover’s Cuisinart.” She stops a few seconds after Rhys stops talking, and smiles.) Xandra: Well, what are you going to do with me, sir? Make a janitor out of me? You know, that would actually be meriting me rather than degrading me, ‘cause, for those of you who don’t already know, I’m unemployed. Judge Rhys: If that is true, then your sentence should be something unconventional. Let me see... Xandra (muttering): This is getting tough. What would Jacko do in a situation like this? (she pauses.) He’d probably say that it’s remarkable how similar Valanice’s was in Falderal. I’d have to say the same thing. Judge Rhys: You are a difficult one, Xandra, and I cannot, for the life of me, determine what would be the best punishment to fit your crime. Xandra: Really? C’mon, I’m sure you’ve got some ideas in that creviced brain of yours! Tell me to gain 100 kilos! Tell me to cut my hair off at the neck! Tell me to shave my legs! Tell me to cut off my – (the siren goes off. Xandra clamps her hands over her ears and cringes.) Judge Rhys: Order! I am not doing any of those things. They are much too mundane. Xandra: And you still haven’t found a really good reason for sentencing me anyway. Judge Rhys: Quiet. Let me think... Beatrice: Excuse me, your honor? Judge Rhys: Yes? Beatrice: I think that since Xandra can’t exactly speak for herself, I think her closest friend should speak for her instead. Roger? Roger (turning to Bea): “Friend”?? Beatrice: Is there any better name for the relation between the two of you. Go on. Talk to him. (Roger steps slightly forward.) Judge Rhys: Roger Wilco, your companion, Xandra has been accused of countless troubles and mischief. Do you deny that? Roger: No...not really. Judge Rhys: Since justice cannot be ignored, she must be brought to it. Have you any ideas about what sort of sentence she should be given? Roger: Well...(The spotlight suddenly swings away from Xandra, lighting up a portion of the audience.) Chata: What happened? Judge Rhys: Who’s manning that light? Stellar: I think he’s fallen asleep. Xandra: How do you know? Can you see in the dark? Stellar: No, I’m just making an educated guess. Xandra: And a darn good one. (standing up and looking above her) Hey! Illuminator! Wake up up there! (no answer) Turn that stupid light back over here, you! (Still no answer. Xandra takes her headphones from around her neck, whirls them around her head for a couple of times and lets them fly up. There is a loud whap and a sound of a scuffle.) Xandra: I said, turn that light back over...OWW! (The light man quickly readjusted the light, causing Xandra to experience extreme pain in her eyes. She claps her hands over them and sits down, almost missing the bucket.) Roger: Uh...your honor? Judge Rhys (aggravated by the preceding events): What?? Roger: I don’t really think that Xandra has done anything that punish-worthy. Xandra (still covering her eyes): You don’t? Roger (to Xandra): No. (to Rhys) I mean, sure, she has caused me a few problems, but it’s nothing really worth making a galactic case out of, right? Judge Rhys: True, probably true, but I haven’t told you the worst of it yet. (the audience falls silent.) Have you considered that with her crazed antics, bumbling behavior and general goofiness, Xandra is probably going to replace you? (A loud, concerned mutter of worry sweeps the room. Roger looks very frightened. Xandra (who has taken her hands from her eyes) looks peeved.) Judge Rhys (after a pause): Well, Roger? (another pause.) WELL? Stellar: I don’t think he’s going to say anything, Rhys. Xandra (standing up): May I say something, then? Judge Rhys: All right, anything to get this thing over with. Xandra: Very well. The possibility of my replacing Roger, my hairy fellow, is something I have pondered many a time. I have often wondered if I would actually eclipse this great guy who saved this galaxy at least twice while maintaining his personality and his sense of humor. (Roger begins to “come to” and look at Xandra tensely.) Xandra: Sure, he’s not one of the “old” adventurers, blazing new trails and exploring new worlds; he’s not a “new” adventurer, traversing unknown realms of the unconscious and higher dimensions; he’s not a know-it-all, he’s not a know-nothing; he’s not a one-of-a-kind, he’s not a same-old, same-old. But just as sure as every guy is an individual, Roger is someone that will never be replaced. He may have some competition, but he will never be replaced. I’m here not to give him competition, but to remind him of that fact. He’ll always be a hero to someone around these parts, and though there may be tons of new heroes in my neck of the woods, he’ll always be here. (She slowly sits down. The room is completely silent. Then, Chata starts applauding. Beatrice, Stellar and Tamara join her, then Roger, then the entire audience (except for Rhys) joins in.) Xandra (to herself): Of all the stupid drivel I’ve ever had the guts to cough up... Judge Rhys: Well, Miss Xandra, I am impressed at your speech. Believe me, I am. But still, I rather doubt your truthfulness in these matters of – (Suddenly, the siren goes off. Rhys and the rest of the courtroom look confused, since Rhys didn’t press the button to turn on the siren. Xandra suddenly spots the unnamed audience member holding a remote control with his thumb pressed firmly on a button. He releases his grip and the siren stops.) Xandra: What the heck are you doing? Unnamed audience member: I rigged up a remote that activates the siren from here. Thought it would come in handy the next time the judge starts getting on your nerves. Xandra: How’d you do that? Unnamed audience member: I used to be a tecchie. Xandra: So you did that thing to my monitor. Unnamed audience member: But I kept quiet long enough, didn’t I? Xandra: Right. You have my forgiveness. Judge Rhys: May we please get this over with? Roger, Xandra, Beatrice, and Stellar (in unison): Yes. Judge Rhys: Good. It turns out that you, Xandra, have not shown any proof that you will be “eclipsing” Roger’s role, as you call it, and since no one else in this court objects, I will let you go free. Just watch that you don’t start stirring up trouble again, okay? Xandra: Whatever you say. Judge Rhys: Fine. Meeting adjourned. (he presses the siren button but nothing happens. He turns to the unnamed audience member.) Unnamed audience member: Oops! I guess the remote must’ve interfered with the circuits in the podium console! Sorry, Judge. Want me to sound it for you? Judge Rhys (sighing): Yes. (UAM sounds off the siren. The audience starts getting up and leaving. Xandra is still sitting on her bucket, looking around the room in silent satisfaction. Chata stops for just a moment to get another sketch of her before leaving herself. The man controlling the spotlight has apparently fallen asleep again, because he hasn’t turned on the main lights or turned off the spotlight. Stellar, Beatrice and Tamara stay behind, talking to Roger.) Beatrice: It’s all as well, I suppose. I mean, it’s like nothing can stop her. Roger: Yeah. I guess so. Stellar: Maybe her parents, one day. I’d like to see the person who succeeds. Tamara: You don’t think the Judge was serious when he said that Xandra might replace Roger, do you? Beatrice: I doubt it. She may try, but there’s no one that can replace Roger. Unless it’s in their blood, nobody can come close to – (Up to this point, Xandra has gotten up and started walking out of the spotlight, in the direction of the door (north). She interrupts Bea’s words by getting her foot tangled in the extension cords of her computer and falling flat on her face, sprawling across the floor with a loud clunk.) Stellar: “Nobody,” huh? Well, it looks like we’re stuck with a really close match for a while. Roger (going to Xandra’s side): Xandra? Are you all right? Xandra: Yeah. Just get me a new pair of headphones and some Reeses’ pieces and I think we’re in business. - Akril, December 14, 2001