by unk VISITORS FROM THE MILKY WAY - "What a boring, typical day!" Roger exclaimed as he continued to sweep up the windpipe in the Deepship 86 garbage disposal chute. "Bother that stain," Roger said in the cramped chute. There seemed to be no room to squirt his Mr. Clean 2000 that he bought the other day, so Commander Kielbasa ordered him to use a regular water spray. Roger was disappointed. He was anxious to try out his Mr. Clean 2000. "Ah, finally. All done. I'm so clever." Roger said. He had cleaned up the garbage chute in record time. He scrambled up the chute and climbed out...and there was the navigation officer pouring a stinky trash bag on him. "Kielbasa said there's extra work. Too bad janitorics don't pay." the officer said. Roger huffed an angry sigh as he scrambled down the chute to clean up the liquid stains. - Meanwhile, on the Bridge... "T-Mail, T-Mail, T-Mail!" said Kielbasa scrambling on his Cat-Computer chair. "I bet Roger Wilco has much easier work than this!" The navigation officer came in through the ComPost Teleporter and said, "I'll bet he does, I just dumped an extra trash bag in the chute for him to clean up. He was very happy and told me this was such an easy job." "Give him the next bag then!" said the Weapons Officer with a giggle. Dorff said nothing, he was looking at his leftover MonoFilet sandwich with a stare. He said, "Does anyone know where to eat this sandwich?" Everyone stared at Dorff. "What?" he asked. Suddenly, everyone looked at the Navigation Officer. He was typing slowly at the computer...then he banged on the "Return" key and smacked his head on the monitor. He then turned around and said, "Captain, I..." "That's Commander, Avalon." Kielbasa interrupted. "Okay...Commander. The navigation computers are offline. We can't see what is 100 light-miles ahead of us. What do we do?" Before Kielbasa could answer, the Weaponry Officer said, "Commodore, I mean Commander, our Heavy Missiles and Warp Cannons are locked up. All we have are Dumb Missiles and Blaster Cannons." "Next time, tell me that when I ask for a status report, Droole" Commander Kielbasa said. "Okay," said Droole, "The real news is, I think we see a huge, gigantic mammoth of a structure in the viewscreen. It looks like XOS4...only...only..." "Only, what?" Kielbasa said. "...there's a flag with Stars and Stripes on it." Droole said. "It's also got 20 cannons! They appear to be pointing towards us..." "What the p..." everyone began...too late! While suspension was building up on the Deepship, meanwhile on the Stars And Stripes Ship, at the bridge... "Son of Abraham Lincoln!" a sturdy captain named General MacNeil screamed, "The guns are locked! Are we forced to view the ugly scene of this floating jockstrap?!" "Sir, I already told you. It is not a jockstrap. In our log studies, Xenonians build quite the strangest ships in all of their galaxy. Andromedans also take place in this part." the ensign said. "But there IS no life on Andromeda. We already found that out in 2008! This may very well be Russians trying to mock our community!" MacNeil shouted to his ensign. "Have you even been to Andromeda?" the Ensign said. MacNeil turned pale. He was so caught up in space exploration, he hadn't even got the chance to explore the galaxy of Andromeda. Then MacNeil snarled again, "Ensign Spocket. Lay in a course for Andromeda. I want to find out if these Russians are really Xenonians!" The ensign ran quickly to the computer and laid in a course for Andromeda. - "Hey, how come those frightening guys with Stars and Stripes left?" said Avalon. He didn't get any answer. The Deepship crew was shaking with fear, wondering what to do next. "SNAP OUT OF IT!!!" Avalon yelled. The crew finally came to response. "Hey, where DID those guys go?" Kielbasa said. He pushed a button on the mainframe. Circuit Sidney came into view. "According to my superb 500G computers that I have incessantly bought from Hz. So Good the other day, our captives wielding the American symbolism have laid in a course to our brother galaxy: Andromeda." he said. "Then let's go there!" Kielbasa said, rocking the bridge with sound waves. Suddenly, Roger Wilco teleported in, dirty and tired. "I've finished the *sigh* 499th trash bag. May I fall in [i]NOW[i]?" he said. "Yes, yes, Wilco, go ahead. I have nothing else for you to do." Kielbasa said. He was concentrating on something else. American symbolism? Stars And Stripes? It all seemed confusing. "Whatcha looking at, Commander?" Roger said. "Oh, nothing. Just something about America and Stars & Stripes. What have you got to babble about, Wilco?" Kielbasa said. "AMERICA? STARS AND STRIPES? Hmm...sounds familiar, bit like the word...Earth." Roger said. "EARTH?!" everyone said as they looked at Roger's remark. "Wait! Wait! Wait! I may have a clue. I've heard of a colony named America on Earth," Droole said, "Say, Cap...I mean, Janitor Second Class Roger Wilco..." Roger sighed as Droole continued, "You sure have amazing brains." "Brains?!" Avalon said as he spun his chair to Droole, "Poppycock! Roger isn't a man of action. He's a man of mops! Although I think he certainly deserves a promotion." "No!" Kielbasa yelled, "The last time he got promoted, he doomed the galaxy to kingdom come!" Roger looked at the quarrelsome crew and then left for his quarters. - The U.S.S Enterprise as it was called rocketed through endless streams of stars when they started to enter Andromeda. General MacNeil was reclining in his captain's chair, thinking of all the money he would earn from this expedition, "I'll be a rich Roger..." "A rich what?" the Ensign said, "Buck Rogers or Roger Rabbit?" General MacNeil huffed yet another sigh. Suddenly, his eyes popped open at something. "A black hole, and we're in the course of it." the Ensign yelled. The ship was uncontrollable and MacNeil was frantic. Everything turned blank for 5 minutes, then light shone again. Soon, planets appeared. The Ensign looked out the viewscreen. "We must be in Andromeda. Wow! That planet looks like Mars...and that looks like Jupiter...and that looks like Earth!" "Don't be crazy!" MacNeil spluttered, "Science officer, what happened?" The science officer walked in and said, "The amazing forces of the black hole just ate up all our speed and spat us back to the Milky Way. It seems that Andromeda is impassable." "I'll never make that money...(sigh)...oh well, what am I supposed to do now?...I got it!" MacNeil said. "In order to brighten up my life, I need to engage warfare...time to start shooting Russian ships!" "Uh, sir. The cannons were locked, remember? Earth is drained of fuel and oil, we need to find them at Andromeda. That was the purpose of our quest." the Ensign said. MacNeil banged his head on the computer. Roger beamed into his quarters and looked at his ComPost. A light was flashing. "A message for me...I must be getting popular." Roger pushed a button and Beatrice appeared on the viewscreen! "Roger. Can you come down to the hangar bay? I want to tell you about these humanoids called, "earthlings". I also brought a guest, but I'm sure you won't mind." Roger looked a little confused, but he decided to go to the hangar bay entrance anyway. He walked up to the large guard and asked, "I'd like to enter the hangar bay, please." However, Chesbro the smallish security guard said, "No admittance!" "Shut up," said the large guard, "Let him through." Chesbro wouldn't oblige. The large guard shoved him and pushed the two buttons. Roger walked into the hangar bay and saw Bea standing next to a small ship. "About time, too." Bea said, "Oh...I mean, did you hear about these earthlings, Rog? I mean, they're draining all the supplies out of Andromeda and they're threatening our ships in which they call 'Russians'." "I know, I've heard all about them," Roger said dreamily, "One of them turned down my job request for a janitor on Earth...*sigh*" "Roger Wilco!" Bea said, "Don't you know? They're trying to claim the universe for America. The universe is supposed to belong to all of us." "Hey!" a voice shouted inside the small ship, "Are we going to leave yet? I'm going to miss the Ruby Special!" Bea sighed, "Come on, Roger. Let me show you all about this problem." Bea and Roger climbed into the ship. Once they got in, the voice said, "Finally! It's getting awful cramped in here and I'd like to get out of this place as soon as possible before my tail gets crushed!" "A humanoid cheetah come for another visit?" Roger said with a bored tone. Bea rolled her eyes and the small ship was about to blast out of the hangar bay...when Storm Poopers entered. "Hey! You forgot your fish!" They threw the fish into the pi...whoops, wrong story. Anyway, where were we? The ship blasted out of the hangar bay and into the void of space. Halfway through their journey, they suddenly saw large, gray objects in the distance. "What's that?" Bea said. Suddenly...it was a fleet of armed ships! "Sweet god of Mr. Clean! It's the Americans!" Roger yelled. Roger blacked out before he could see what else was going to happen... "Roger! Roger!" a familiar voice called. Roger stirred and saw the face of Bea, "Huh?...oh, there certainly is no place like home. Is it all a dream, hon...er, Beatrice?" "Well, no..." Bea said. "Turn to the left!" an angry guard called. Roger suddenly stood up and turned to the left. Lots of flashes came at him. A blue-suited man with a tripod camera was taking photoes. Roger noticed he was wearing a board attached to a string on his neck. It said, "028937" "You pitiful Russians," said the guard, "will regret ever setting foot around the Milky Way with a jockstrap ship, mocking our community." "We're not Russians!" said Beatrice, "We're Xenonians!" "Huh!" said the guard, "and Grisly Adams had a beer!" Suddenly, a young ensign said, "Grisly Adams did have a beer." The guard stared at him and several more photos were taken. "Now, what have you got to prove that you are so-called 'Xenonians'? Suddenly, a nearby door opened and an unconscious guard was thrown into the room, followed by a sturdy female cheetah humanoid on two legs. "X...x..." Roger stuttered. "Don't worry, Rog. I've got these so-called studly humanoids taken care of." the humanoid cheetah said. The other guards stared in horror, "What in the blazes is that...that...creature?" "That's Xandra to you, cheapskate! I bet you were as weak as this guard here..." The cheetah picked up the unconscious guard and threw it at the young Ensign. "How about that?" Xandra said. Before she knew it, however, the guard had whipped out his cellphone and was contacting reinforcements. "Come on, now. Let's not waste any more time." Bea said as she and the others ran out the door. "They're as weak as Chesbros!" Roger giggled. "As what?" Xandra asked. "Uhh...nothing!" However, as they ran down the dark hall and into the Hangar Bay, they were met by an undelightful surprise. Guards with black-looking rifles from all directions. On the catwalk, near the ships and next to the hangar bay door! "Xandra! You got a weapon?" Roger asked. "Hmmm? Oh, yeah. I have this blue rifle, but it's so heavy that not even a lightweight like you could carry it." Xandra said. "You can't carry it either," said Roger. However, Bea picked up the weapon and looked at it confusingly, "There's three triggers...which one should I pull?" "Ach! The woman has a large Super Cannon!" yelled a guard. Guns fired at all directions. The two Xenonians and an earthling ran for a ship, any ship. Bea attempted to fire a gun at a pack of guards at the door. She pulled a red-looking trigger...and caused a brushfire that perished the guards and...was about to burn down the door! "HURRY," Bea yelled, "OR THE DOOR WILL EXPLODE AND OUR HEADS WILL POP TO SMITHEREENS!" "Good point," Xandra said as she stepped into the standard-issue American shuttle. The guards had no way of destroying the ship, so they ran back for help. Roger, Bea and Xandra tried to get used to the ship. "Let me drive!" Xandra said, "I just got my Class G-- Driver's License." Roger rolled his eyes, "Well, okay. I don't know how to pilot manuals." They started up the ship, but Xandra was just getting used to the controls. "Hmmm, up means backward, down means forward...so left is right and right is left." Xandra piloted the ship towards the wall. "Oops!" she said, "Maybe I should set this to VAC. Okay, pull the lever...er...down!" The ship rose...and collided with the ceiling and it blew to smithereens. YOU ARE DEAD, CHOOSE RESTORE, RESTART OR QUIT CHOOSING RESTORE... "Before you pull the lever, Xandra, just turn on the radar so this won't happen again!" Roger said. Xandra did so, and the ship rose once again, but stopped at the correct height. The door was about to blow! "Take over, Rog. I might cause another death if I continue piloting," Xandra said. Roger did so and sat down at the pilot's seat. He was quite good at piloting since he piloted the Aluminum Mallard, so he set shields to REAR and fired at the door. It exploded and the ship was spat out like a watermelon seed. "Freeeeeeeeeee!" Xandra sang, "It's good to be free, and you can plainly see..." "Okay, we see the point now." Bea said, "We got to get to Starcon Headquarters and warn them about the Americans." BACK AT THE FLOATING AMERICAN BASE "Commodore Jack!" screamed the Ensign to the Commodore at the Captain's Office, "The two 'Xenonians' and the humanoid cheetah have escaped! What do we do?" "No matter," said Jack, "My men will find these three raving Russian lunatics. They're about to leave on their warships in the Hangar Bay right now. I've designated an army of 100, and right now 23 superstitiously aggressive men are out to find them. Ha ha ha ha!" "I think that's all you're going to dispatch, Jack," the Ensign said. "Why?" Jack asked. "A Xenonian gunmaster just perished our guards and they set the Hangar Bay Door on fire. As a result of that..." "Yes?" Jack asked. "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Before Jack could respond, a guard that was heading for the hangar bay opened the door. As well as the guard popping to bits, cold air pulled in an irresistably strong force from the void of space. A huge force pulled nearly everything mineral-wise from the Hall. In a matter of seconds, the base puffed up like a balloon and....POP! Well , that ends an American Commodore's career! - Roger and Bea were still on their way to the Starcon Headquarters. They dropped Xandra off at the Deepship since Bea reminded her that this was "informative and otherwise very important" work. Bea entered the fourth of the quatrained sector of Andromeda. Suddenly...they noticed burning. Starcon Headquarters was on fire! Those darn Americans mistook it for a Russian base again! "Great," Roger said, "Now these earthlings...they just don't know what they're doing." Bea shook her head as well. "I don't suppose you have any fellow friends on Earth?" Suddenly, Roger lit up. The Two Guys from Andromeda! Roger said, "Bea, lay in a course for earth. I have an idea that's just so crazy it might just work." After a long shuttle to Earth, they landed right outside Sierra Oakhurst. "What are we doing here?" Bea said. "Wait and see." replied Roger. Roger walked up to the building and said in disgust, "Oh, crap. The sign says, "OAKHURST CLOSED - NEW LOCATION IN OREGON - IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR THE TWO GUYS, GIVE UP!" Roger shook his head. Not only was he a fugitive in the U.S, he had to search all around America for the Two Guys! EXTRA interview with Roger Wilco. - REPORTER: So, Roger Wilco, how does it feel to be in HUNDREDS OF FAN FICS? ROGER WILCO: It's fun with all the attention you get it, but it sure is a lot of hard work. Sometimes you don't have any stunt doubles to fix your problem. REPORTER: Have you ever taken any ALMOST-FATAL injuries from these stunts? ROGER WILCO: No, not really. I've had a lot of cleve...aaahm...DUMB LUCK in the past few fan fics to keep me going. REPORTER: I see. Do you have any friends (and relatives) that you would like to announce? ROGER WILCO: Well, yes. I have Beatrice, who is my wife. I just think she's a looker, don't you think? Then there's Stellar, who may be my new wife, if people stop calling her "two-legged bulldog", and I think that's about it! ROGER WILCO hears banging on the door. ROGER WILCO: Oh yes, there's Xandra...